THE MARRIAGE SAVING BLANKET

Is flatulence ruining your love life? My friends, look no further than the Better Marriage Blanket, a fart-absorbing wünderspread that means you'll never again have to blame it on the dog. This is a real thing!
Remember, it's got activated carbon fabric: "the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons." You know, in case you're tooting mustard gas.