#20 The Beastmaster ('82) Half Conan and half Dr. Dolittle, loincolth-wearing Marc Singer is Dar, a man who talks to the animals...and kills the people. Best line: [To Ferret]"I'm gonna name you Kodo."
#19 Hard Target ('93) Jean-Claude Van Damme's lone film with Wilford Brimley is a good family fun, provided your idea of family fun is watching homeless Vietnam vets being hunted for sport. Best line: [Explaining why his name is Chance] "My mama took one."
#18 Hot Dog....The Movie! ('84) It has skiing, boobs, a jagoff German, boobs, and the fair Sunny('s boobs). Best line: "Now, that's a girl i can take advantage of."
#17 Over the Top ('87) Stallone steamer about a man who regains his son's love by arm wrestling. Best line: "I'm gonna give you a world of hurt, little man."
#16 Tango & Cash ('89) Ali and Frazier. Magic and Bird. Sly and Kurt. It's a dream pairing of B-movie icons in the tale of rival cops who bond by putting grenades in people's pants. Best line: "Rambo is a pussy."
#15 They Live '88 "Rowdy" Roddy Piper has sunglasses that enable him to see that many people are, in fact, aliens. He tells pal Keith David to put on the glasses... only Keith doesn't want to wear'em. Crotch-kickin' galore ensues. Best line: "I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And i'm all out of bubble gum."
#14 Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins ('85) They wanted a blockbuster action franchise. Sorry. Best line: "The Korean is the most perfect creature."
#13 Boondock Saints ('99) Writer-director Troy Duffy was supposed to be the next Tarantino but chose to focus his talents on being a prick (it's in the documentary Overnight). His one film pre-flame-out features Willem Dafoe swishing it up as a gay FBI agent. Best line: "Charlie Bronson's always got rope."
#12 Starship Troopers ('97) Satire of fascism or just miserably acted flick about kids who wanne squash some space bugs? Does it matter? Doogie Howser and pals join the military to fight back against insects attacking Earth/take coed showers. Best lines: "I'm from Buenos Aires, and I say kill'em all!"
#11 The Toxic Avenger ('85) Troma Films' masterpiece reveals hat happens when a nerdy janitor falls in toxic waste (he becomes a deformed badass). It ain't Gone With the Wind, but does Scarlett O'Hara rip off a person's arm and then beat him with it? Exactly. Best lines: "Drop your tacos or i'll blow your brains out!"
#10 Best of the Best ('89) James Earl Jones, Eric Roberts, and the U.S. karate team beat Koreans into kimchi. Best lines: "Drop him like a toilet seat, Tommy!"
#9 Missing in Action ('84) While Vietnam wasn't much fun at the time, it's made for a lot of awesome movies. This one may not have the cinematic merit of Full Metal Jacket, but it has something better: Chuck Norris. Former POW Colonel Braddock returns to save our lost boys and teach the Cong some manners (Rambo would finish them off the following year). Best lines: "I'll see you in hell!"
#8 Commando ('85) When you think Matrix, don't think Keanu. Think Arnold. After a former Latin American dictator snatches his daughter (future hottie Alyssa Milano), Schwarzenegger's ex-GI John Matrix must rescue her using only violence and one-liners: "I let him go," "He's dead tired." Best lines: "You're a funny guy, Sully. I like you. That's why i'm going to kill you last."
#7 The Island of Dr. Moreau ('96) Your chance to see Brando with an ice bucket on his head. Best line: "Has it ever occured to you you may have totally lost your mind?"
#6 Billy Madison ('95) The inspiring tale of a lad who just wants to touch the hiney. Best lines: "If peein' your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis."
#5 Dead Alive ('93) In this pre-Lord of the Rings gorefest by Peter Jackson, zombies do battle with Father McGruder, the kung fu priest. Best lines: "I kick ass for the Lord!"
#4 Dolemite ('75) The coolest/worst made blaxploitation flick. A pimp tries to duck the boom mike drifting into shots. Best lines: "I've been wantin' to see me a honky dance!"
#3 Showgirls ('95) Nomi's a small town gal with big dreams (she wants to be a topless dancer in Vegas instead of a topless and bottom-less dancer in Vegas), but first she must overcome sleazy casino execs, rapist rock stars, and much gratuitous nudity. Best lines: "It must be weird not having anybody come on you."
#2 Porky's ('82) Sure, the subplot about anti-Semitism was stupid (just as dick jokes would've felt strange in Schindler's List), but respect must be paid for bringing glory holes to the main-stream and teaching us why Kim Cattrall is called Lassie. Best line: "That penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere!"
#1 Big Trouble in Little China ('86) Kurt Russell needs to save a green-eyed gal from a Chinese dude who wants to marry her so that he can take over the universe. Or something. Ok, no one knows what the hell's going on in this guns and kung fu gangbang, but if you spot it while flipping channels you watch till the end. Best lines: " We take what we want and leave the rest. Just like your salad bar."
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